I was having drinks with a friend recently and the subject of New Year’s resolutions came up. I’ve never been much on resolutions. But get a few drinks in me and occasionally I get well-intentioned drinking-man’s-sentimental-syndrome, sometimes accompanied by acute compulsory confessions and man-hugs (but that’s another column). This night my condition manifested itself in a flurry of resolutions and, rather than make promises to myself, I decided to direct my resolutions to the people in my life. So, here goes:
To my editor. I will try my best to get my articles and columns to you sooner than 24 hours before press time. However, I feel the need to define the word “best.” Basically, I mean that at this moment, it sounds like a good idea to turn in my work several weeks in advance. Of course I also anticipate many distractions that will make this goal unlikely. Ah, but hope springs eternal.
To my staff. I will do everything in my power to continue to be the coolest boss you’ve ever had.
To my cat. Even though you cost me thousands of dollars in veterinary bills, in the event I have to decide to send you to kitty heaven, trust that the decision was not completely financial.
To the IRS.
To Dallas County Juror Services. By no means am I admitting, nor denying, being negligent of my civic duties in the past. But, the next time I receive an order to appear I will try very hard to work it into my schedule, even if something more fun is going on the same day. All I ask in return is that you put me on a fascinating case. If I can make a suggestion, I think I would be particularly good at determining the fate of someone accused of bizarre crimes of passion. As a litmus test, if you expect lots of TV cameras at the trial, I’m your man.
To my wife. Even though I have given you everything you could ever dream of, assuming you never actually achieve REM sleep, I can always do more. To you, I promise not to be so stupid. I still intend to be silly, because you seem to like that. Additionally, even though it is likely that I will break all of my resolutions before the end of January, I fully intend to keep my promise to you, at least through the first quarter.
And finally, to everyone mentioned above. At the time of writing I had the best intentions to stand by my resolutions to you. However, since I was impaired when I made them I did not have the capacity to enter into a binding agreement. So don’t be upset if I fall off the wagon. Just be happy that I care enough to think of you, even after a few drinks.